A lot of postpartum advice, including some of ours, assumes one mom who gave birth and one dad who helps. Many families don't look like that. Adoptive parents, intended parents through surrogacy, two moms, two dads, trans and nonbinary parents and co-parents all go through the huge change of a new child, and all deserve support that fits.

Where our guides say "she" or "mom" for the parent who gave birth, or "dad" for the parent helping, swap in whoever fits your family. The advice still applies.

What every new parent shares

• Broken sleep, and everything it does to mood, patience and memory.
• A big shift in identity, work, friendships and your relationship.
• Bonding that is sometimes instant and sometimes slow. Both are normal.
• A real risk of depression and anxiety. It isn't limited to the parent who gave birth.

Adoptive parents

• Adoptive parents can have depression and anxiety after a child arrives too, sometimes called post-adoption depression. It is more common than people expect, and it is treatable.
• You may have had very little time to prepare, or you may have waited years. Either can make the arrival feel unreal.
• Many adoptive parents feel pressure to look endlessly grateful. You are allowed to be tired, overwhelmed and unsure.
• In the U.S., FMLA covers eligible parents for the placement of a child through adoption or foster care, just as for a birth. Ask your employer what leave you have.
• If your child's birth family is part of your story, their grief is real too. An adoption-competent counselor can help everyone with the relationships ahead.

Families through surrogacy

• Intended parents skip the physical recovery, but not the sleep loss, the learning curve or the risk of depression and anxiety.
• Your gestational carrier is going through their own postpartum recovery. Agree ahead of time how you will stay in touch in the weeks after, and check in on how they are.
• If you plan to give your baby human milk, some carriers pump, some parents induce lactation, and donor milk and formula are options too. A lactation consultant can help you plan.

Two moms, and non-birthing parents

• The parent who didn't give birth can feel invisible, especially in medical settings that only speak to the birth parent. Say how you want to be addressed, and ask the care team to include you.
• Non-birthing parents can have postpartum depression and anxiety too, and are rarely screened for it. Keep an eye on yourself.
• Some non-gestational moms induce lactation and share feeding. It takes planning with a doctor and a lactation consultant, ideally before the baby arrives.
• Watch for an unspoken ranking of "real" and "other" parent, from family or from inside yourselves. Name it and talk about it.

Two dads

• You will hear "babysitting" and "giving mom a break" more than you'd like. You are parenting.
• Most of the dads & partners guides still help: nights, the mental load, looking after yourself. Split them between you on purpose.
• Dads can have postpartum depression and anxiety too. A dads' support group is a good place to start.

Paperwork that protects your family

Legal parentage can be complicated for LGBTQ+ families and for families through surrogacy or adoption, and it varies by state. Some LGBTQ+ legal organizations recommend a confirmatory or second-parent adoption, or a court judgment of parentage, even when both parents are on the birth certificate, because a birth certificate alone may not protect your parentage everywhere. A family lawyer in your state can tell you what applies. And add your baby to your health insurance quickly: most plans allow only 30 to 60 days after a birth, adoption or placement.

Finding support that fits

• Ask providers directly: "Have you worked with families like ours?" You deserve a clinician you don't have to educate.
• Postpartum Support International runs free online groups for many kinds of parents. Look for one that fits.
• Find people like you: the Postpartum+ community, a local LGBTQ+ family group, or other adoptive or intended parents.

For family and friends

• Use the names and words the parents use for themselves: mom, mama, dad, papa, baba, parent.
• Don't ask who the "real" mom or dad is, or where the baby "came from." Both parents are real parents.
• Offer the same practical help you would offer anyone: meals, laundry, a nap.