If you are reading this because your baby died, we are so sorry. Whether it was a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or a baby who lived for minutes, days or months, your baby was real and your grief is real.

This guide covers the parts people don't tell you: that your body may go through recovery without a baby to hold, that grief can look very different for each person in the family, and that you don't have to carry any of it alone. Read it in pieces, or hand it to someone who can help.

Your body is still recovering

• Bleeding, cramping, sore breasts and night sweats can all happen after a loss, as after any birth. The same warning signs apply. Chest pain or trouble breathing: call 911. Heavy bleeding, a fever, a bad headache or a painful swollen leg: call your provider today.
• Milk can come in after a loss from about 16 weeks of pregnancy, and after an infant death. This can be one of the most painful surprises. Ask your provider or a lactation consultant how to gently stop it, or, if it feels right, about pumping to donate milk to a milk bank. Either choice is okay.
• Keep your postpartum appointments. It is fine to ask not to wait in a room full of pregnant people and new babies.
• Hormones shift after any pregnancy, and grief can pile on top of them.

Grief after a loss

There is no right way to grieve a baby. Some people want to talk about their baby all the time and some can't say a word. Some want the nursery packed away at once, and some need it left exactly as it is. Guilt, anger, emptiness, envy of other families and fear about the future are all common, sometimes all in one day.

• After a stillbirth or infant death, hospitals can often help with memories: photographs, footprints, a lock of hair, time to hold and bathe your baby. If that time has passed, it is still okay to ask what was kept.
• You may be asked about naming, a funeral or cremation, or an autopsy. Take the time you need, and ask a nurse or social worker to explain your options.
• Grief comes in waves. Due dates, birthdays and other babies' milestones can bring it back hard, sometimes years later.
• Small things can help: many apps let you hide pregnancy and baby ads in their ad settings, and a friend can unsubscribe you from baby-store emails and registry reminders.

When grief becomes more than grief

Depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress are more common after a loss, for both parents. If you can't eat or sleep, can't get through most days, feel hopeless, or have panic or flashbacks, please tell someone. A grief-informed therapist can help. Find Care lists therapists near you; ask each one about their experience with pregnancy and infant loss. Postpartum Support International runs free online support groups for loss, and its HelpLine (1-800-944-4773) can refer you to people who understand. If you have thoughts of not wanting to be here, call or text 988 now.

Dads and partners grieve too

Dads and partners are often asked how the mother is and never how they are. Many throw themselves into arrangements or work and grieve later, or quietly. If you are grieving differently from each other, it doesn't mean either of you loved the baby less.

Try to talk, even briefly, about what each of you needs this week. Some couples find that easier with a counselor or a loss support group.

Older children

Children need simple, honest words: "The baby died. That means the baby's body stopped working, and the baby can't come home." Phrases like "we lost the baby" or "the baby went to sleep" can confuse or frighten young children. Let them ask questions, see you sad, and join in remembering if they want to.

For family and friends

• Say you're sorry, and say the baby's name if they gave one. You won't remind them; they haven't forgotten.
• Skip "at least," "everything happens for a reason" and "you can have another." Try "I'm so sorry. I'm here," and then listen.
• Take on practical things without being asked: meals, cleaning, errands, care for older kids and pets, and being the one who tells other people so the parents don't have to keep repeating it.
• Ask before packing away baby things or canceling deliveries, then offer to do it.
• Remember the dates. A message on the due date or the baby's birthday, next month and next year, matters more than most people realize.

Here, too

Parts of Postpartum+ talk about a baby at home, and that may hurt to see. Skip anything that doesn't fit. You are welcome here, in the guides and in the community, for as long as you need.