Becoming a parent is a birth and a loss at the same time. Alongside the baby comes the end of a version of you: the one who could leave the house with just keys, sleep in, say yes to a last-minute plan, or spend a whole evening on something that had nothing to do with anyone else.

Many moms, dads and partners grieve that person, sometimes in waves they didn't expect. It does not mean you regret your child. You can love your baby completely and still miss your old life. Both are true, often in the same hour.

What people miss

• Freedom and spontaneity: going out without a plan, a bag and a clock.
• Your body as it was, and being able to trust it.
• Sleep, and the rested version of you that came with it.
• Work, or the way it felt: your pace, your ambition, the way colleagues saw you.
• Time alone with your partner, and the couple you were before.
• Friendships that fit your old schedule and your old conversations.
• The birth, feeding or first weeks you had planned, if they went differently.
• For dads & partners: your old routine, your place in the house, how close you felt to your partner, and feeling good at what you were doing.

What it can feel like

• Sadness that arrives out of nowhere: an old photo, a playlist, a friend's night out.
• Envy of people without children, and then guilt about the envy.
• Restlessness or irritation you can't quite place.
• Missing someone, and realizing it's you.
• Relief and sadness together when a stage ends, or when you go back to work.

For moms

Your body, your days and your sense of self changed first and most. It's all right to name exactly what you miss, out loud, without adding "but I'm so grateful." You can be grateful and still grieve.

Some of what you miss will come back in a new form: time for yourself, work you care about, friends, a body that feels like home. Some won't, and it is fair to be sad about that. There is no deadline for either.

For dads & partners

Dads and partners grieve too, often quietly, because it can feel like you don't have the right. You didn't give birth, and everyone's attention is, rightly, on the baby and the new mom. Your loss is still real: the old routine, the freedom, the closeness with your partner, and the person you were before.

Talk about it somewhere. A friend who has been through it, a dads & partners circle, or each other when you both have a little room. Keeping it in tends to come out sideways, as irritation or distance.

Things that can help

• Name it: "I miss who I was, and I love our baby." Saying both makes each one lighter.
• Keep one thread from before, however small: a song, a walk, a hobby for ten minutes, a friend you text about anything but the baby.
• Mark the change. Some people write a letter to their pre-baby self, keep a box of "before" things, or take a photo of the old and the new.
• Let it come in waves. Grief for a past self usually softens and spaces out over months rather than weeks.
• Find people in the same season: a circle, a meetup, a friend a few months ahead of you.

Grieving together, as a couple

• Take turns: ten minutes each to say what you miss, while the other listens without fixing or comparing.
• Don't compete over who lost more. You both lost something, and different things.
• Keep a small piece of who you were together: dinner on the floor after bedtime, a walk where you talk about anything else, the show you used to watch.
• Remember you are becoming a new version of the two of you, not just losing the old one.

When it's more than grief

Missing your old life is common. If sadness, emptiness or hopelessness are there most of the day, most days, for more than two weeks, if you can't enjoy anything, or if regret feels frightening or constant, that can be postpartum depression or anxiety. It happens to moms, dads and partners (around 1 in 10 new dads), it is common, it is treatable, and it is not your fault.

The PSI HelpLine (call or text 1-800-944-4773) listens and connects moms, dads and partners to support. Your OB, midwife or doctor is a good first call, and Find Care lists perinatal therapists.