For an older child, a new baby can be exciting and deeply unfair at the same time. Overnight, the people they depend on are tired, busy and holding someone else. Most children adjust well with time, attention and patience, and most of the hard behavior in the first months is a child asking "do you still have room for me?"

Before the baby comes

• Tell them in simple words, and read a book or two about becoming a big sibling.
• Make big changes, like a new bed, potty training or starting preschool, well before or a while after the birth, so they aren't tied to the baby.
• Plan who will care for them during the birth and the hospital stay, and tell them who it will be.
• Let them help get ready: choosing a toy for the baby, helping set up the crib.

The first weeks home

• When they first meet, have the baby in the crib or in someone else's arms, so your arms are free for a hug.
• Give them a job if they want one: fetching a diaper, choosing a song, singing to the baby.
• Name their feelings out loud: "It's hard when the baby needs me and you want me too. I love you. I'll be with you in five minutes."
• Keep their routines, especially bedtime, as steady as you can.

What's normal

Most of this passes in weeks to months. Calm and attention work better than punishment, and it helps to notice out loud when they are gentle or helpful. If it lasts a long time or worries you, your pediatrician can help.

• Going backwards for a while: accidents after potty training, baby talk, wanting a bottle, waking at night.
• Big feelings, more meltdowns, or being extra clingy.
• Being rough with the baby, or saying they want the baby to go back.
• Ignoring the baby completely.

Special time

Ten or fifteen minutes a day of one-on-one time, where the older child chooses what you do and the baby is with someone else, does more than any gift. Call it their special time and protect it, even on hard days. Dads and partners, grandparents and friends can give it too.

Keeping everyone safe

• Never leave a baby alone with a toddler or young child, even for a moment. Loving hugs, sharing snacks or climbing into the crib can all be dangerous.
• Show them how to touch gently: stroking a foot or a hand, not the face or head.
• Keep small toys, coins, button batteries and snacks out of the baby's reach.

For grandparents, family and friends

• Greet the older child first, before you ask to see the baby.
• If you bring a gift for the baby, bring a small something for them too.
• Take them out: the park, the library, a treat. A day that's all about them is one of the best gifts you can give the whole family.
• Ask them about themselves, not only "do you love your new baby?"