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Postpartum+
For family & friends

What to say, and what not to say, to a new parent

Words land hard on no sleep. Small scripts that make new parents feel seen instead of judged.

4 min read·Written by the Postpartum+ team, checked against public guidance·Updated

Almost everyone who says the wrong thing means well. The trouble is that exhausted, healing parents hear comments about their choices as verdicts on whether they are doing this right. These scripts are simple swaps that keep the love and lose the judgment.

Swap these

  • Instead of "can I hold the baby?", say "I'll do the dishes so you can be with the baby."
  • Instead of "sleep when the baby sleeps," say "go lie down. I've got the dishes, and I'll take the baby too if you'd like."
  • Instead of "enjoy every moment, it goes so fast," say "this part is hard. You're doing it."
  • Instead of "are you still breastfeeding?" or "is she a good baby?", say "how are you feeling today?"
  • Instead of "you look tired," say "what can I take off your plate this week?"
  • Instead of "in my day we…", say "tell me how you'd like me to do it."
  • Instead of "at least the baby is healthy," listen. Then say "that sounds really hard."

Ask about the parent, not only the baby

Most conversations after a birth are about the baby. Ask the parent how they slept, how their body feels, whether they have eaten, what the hardest part of the week was. Then let the answer be the answer, without fixing it.

When they tell you something heavy

  • "Thank you for telling me."
  • "You're not a bad mother for feeling that. A lot of people do, and it gets better with help."
  • "Would it help if I found the number for someone to talk to, or came with you to the appointment?"
  • "I'm here. You don't have to be okay with me."

What dads and partners need to hear

Dads and partners rarely get asked how they are. "How are you holding up?" and "what would help you this week?" go a long way. Dads and partners can experience postpartum depression and anxiety too.

Drawn from public guidance including Postpartum Support International. Educational only; not medical advice.

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